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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horse Meat Found In European 'Beef' Lasagna, Hamburgers

Several weeks after horse meat was found in frozen hamburgers in Irish and British supermarkets, frozen food purveyors in the U.K. and France announced the recall of lasagna and other products that contained up to 100 percent horse meat. What do you think?

  • “Well, if they’re not going to eat any of it, I’d be happy to take it off their hands for them.”

    Cedric Ashbrook Caddie
  • “That’s disgusting! Horses are not for eating! Cows are for eating!”

    Rosalind Gooding Fingerprint Clerk
  • “Boy, these Europeans sure are a bunch of snobs.”

    Fernando Miro Bean Sprout Grower

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