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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Horse Meat Found In Ikea Meatballs

In the latest turn in Europe’s widening horse meat scandal, investigators found equine DNA in meatballs served in the cafeteria of an Ikea in the Czech Republic, prompting the company to pull its meatball products from stores throughout much of Europe. What do you think?

  • “I may never eat another meal served by a furniture store again.”

    Natalie Ciccone Nickel Plater
  • “Ick, I hate horse meat.”

    James Eaton Acetylene Welder
  • “You know these Swedish chefs. You ask them what’s in the dish, and they just babble incoherently and throw a colander at a live chicken.”

    Barry Vidnic School Psychologist

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