Hospital Infections

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Vol 41 Issue 29

Space Shuttle Delay

Last week, the scheduled launch of the space shuttle Discovery was aborted two hours before liftoff. What caused the delay?

Anonymous Source: 'I'm A Cowardly Snitch'

NEW YORK—An unidentified lawyer and lobbyist revealed Monday that a "sniveling yellow streak" led him to anonymously divulge U.S. State Department misconduct. "I am a blubbering cream puff with no guts whatsoever," said the source, 44, who wished to remain anonymous. "People should know what officials are doing, but I'm a big baby, and I can't risk my job or reputation by revealing my identity." The source spoke to reporters in a dark parking garage, then disappeared into the blackness.

Parasites Just Getting The Hang Of How Host Does Things

MACON, GA—Tapeworms recently introduced into Susan Rabidovitch's digestive tract will need time to get acclimated to their new environment, insiders reported Monday. "They just got set up with Susan, so now they're hanging out, getting a feel for what she likes to eat and when," Dr. Matthew Hyam said. "Soon, they'll jibe with Susan's taste for Indian food and come to expect her late-night Chunky Monkey binges, but for now, they're just gorging themselves while they learn what makes their new host tick." Hyam explained that the parasites may need a 10-week "getting to know Susan" period before beginning to release their full capacity of 50,000 eggs per day into her small intestine.

Man Who Lost Leg To Whale Decides To Let It Go

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Sources close to 58-year-old Samuel Rahal, a commercial fishing-boat captain who lost his right leg in a great-white-whale attack last March, announced Monday that he has put the incident behind him and is getting on with his life. "The first to guess the score of next Tuesday's Red Sox game gets this golden coin!" Rahal told his crew as he nailed a Sacagawea dollar to the cabin of his trawler. "Now, let's get this boat full of haddock so we can call it an early day." Rahal said he plans to replace his custom-made whalebone prosthesis with an OrthoPro with flex-foot and hydraulic knee.

Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To 'The Few'

WASHINGTON, DC—In light of recruiting shortfalls, a near standstill in re-enlistment, and rock-bottom troop morale, U.S. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Michael Hagee announced Monday that the Marines will alter their unofficial slogan, abbreviating it to the more accurate "The Few." Hagee said, "We are still the Marines, the premier combat arm of the U.S. military." The Marines will also change their motto to Semper Fidelis, Sic Non Sapienti, or "Always Faithful, But This Is Just Ridiculous."

Stay Of Execution Squandered Again

FLORENCE, AZ—James "Jimbo" Creasey, 38, a death-row inmate at Arizona State Prison Complex-Florence, said Monday that he "feels pretty lousy" about wasting his most recent stay of execution, granted April 12.

Local Company Moves Production Underseas

NEWARK, NJ—In an effort to revitalize the company after years of stagnant profits, BakeCo Inc., makers of Good Twist Pretzels and Fluffy Brand Cream Cakes, announced plans Monday to move their Newark-based production facility underseas.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Innovation

Hospital Infections

According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you think?
  • "Perhaps this problem would be solved if hospitals used a strong-smelling antiseptic and painted everything white."

    Dustin Kelly
    Art Teacher
  • "This is why I remained conscious during my hip-replacement surgery and insisted that rubber gloves were worn at all times."

    Marshall Chitwood
    Statistical Clerk
  • "Infections too, now? I thought it was bad enough when they put me in a room full of sick people, stuck me with needles, and took away my pants."

    Anne Kohl
    Winemaker
  • "A closed-off building filled with contagious people? Whose idea were hospitals, anyway?"

    Tom Rosen
    Secretary
  • "See, this is exactly the sort of thing that pisses off House, M.D. each week."

    Heather Ramirez
    Insurance Underwriter
  • "That explains why my triple-bypass surgery was done outdoors."

    Douglas Hurd
    Systems Analyst
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