Hospital Infections

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BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Hospital Infections

According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you think?
  • "Perhaps this problem would be solved if hospitals used a strong-smelling antiseptic and painted everything white."

    Dustin Kelly
    Art Teacher
  • "This is why I remained conscious during my hip-replacement surgery and insisted that rubber gloves were worn at all times."

    Marshall Chitwood
    Statistical Clerk
  • "Infections too, now? I thought it was bad enough when they put me in a room full of sick people, stuck me with needles, and took away my pants."

    Anne Kohl
    Winemaker
  • "A closed-off building filled with contagious people? Whose idea were hospitals, anyway?"

    Tom Rosen
    Secretary
  • "See, this is exactly the sort of thing that pisses off House, M.D. each week."

    Heather Ramirez
    Insurance Underwriter
  • "That explains why my triple-bypass surgery was done outdoors."

    Douglas Hurd
    Systems Analyst
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