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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Hospital Infections

According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you think?
  • "Perhaps this problem would be solved if hospitals used a strong-smelling antiseptic and painted everything white."

    Dustin Kelly
    Art Teacher
  • "This is why I remained conscious during my hip-replacement surgery and insisted that rubber gloves were worn at all times."

    Marshall Chitwood
    Statistical Clerk
  • "Infections too, now? I thought it was bad enough when they put me in a room full of sick people, stuck me with needles, and took away my pants."

    Anne Kohl
    Winemaker
  • "A closed-off building filled with contagious people? Whose idea were hospitals, anyway?"

    Tom Rosen
    Secretary
  • "See, this is exactly the sort of thing that pisses off House, M.D. each week."

    Heather Ramirez
    Insurance Underwriter
  • "That explains why my triple-bypass surgery was done outdoors."

    Douglas Hurd
    Systems Analyst

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