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Hospital Infections

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Hospital Infections

According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you think?
  • "Perhaps this problem would be solved if hospitals used a strong-smelling antiseptic and painted everything white."

    Dustin Kelly Art Teacher
  • "This is why I remained conscious during my hip-replacement surgery and insisted that rubber gloves were worn at all times."

    Marshall Chitwood Statistical Clerk
  • "Infections too, now? I thought it was bad enough when they put me in a room full of sick people, stuck me with needles, and took away my pants."

    Anne Kohl Winemaker
  • "A closed-off building filled with contagious people? Whose idea were hospitals, anyway?"

    Tom Rosen Secretary
  • "See, this is exactly the sort of thing that pisses off House, M.D. each week."

    Heather Ramirez Insurance Underwriter
  • "That explains why my triple-bypass surgery was done outdoors."

    Douglas Hurd Systems Analyst

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