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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Hostess Brands Going Out Of Business

Hostess Brands, the manufacturer of such iconic products as Twinkies, Ho Hos, and Wonder Bread, announced that it would shut its doors permanently and liquidate its assets. What do you think?

  • “I had always assumed that no matter how hard a beating it took, Hostess would effortlessly spring back.”

    Russell Priestley Clinical Psychologist
  • “You forgot about Donettes. Everyone always forgets about Donettes.”

    Jay Grunke Diamond Cutter
  • “This is your kingdom now, Little Debbie. Rule with mercy.”

    Margie Wynkoop Systems Analyst
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