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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hotels.com Information Stolen

A laptop containing sensitive information about Hotels.com customers was recently stolen from an Ernst and Young employee's car. What do you think?
  • "Great, now everyone at work will know about my thing for amenities."

    Doodles McKennan Costume Designer
  • "Dogs, toddlers, laptops with credit-card information—this list of things not to leave locked in a car on a hot day just keeps getting longer and longer."

    Tina Garland Lens Grinder
  • "Forget the confidential client information. Have you ever seen so much Rick Astley on a single iTunes collection?"

    Chris Benning Receptionist

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