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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Hottest 12 Months On Record

The period between May 2011 and April 2012 was the hottest since record-keeping began in 1895. What do you think?

  • "I was wondering why I was complaining so much."

    Tina Waterland Systems Analyst
  • "Sweet. My cousin Thad just put in a pool."

    Arlen Marotte Field-Ring Assembler
  • "No, it wasn't."

    Pete Murchison Stamping-Die Try-Out Worker

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