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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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House Votes To Renew Ban On Plastic Guns

The House of Representatives has voted to renew a longstanding ban on plastic firearms that don’t have enough metal to be detected by X-ray machines, though many have criticized the extension bill for not restricting 3D printing technology, which can produce plastic guns with removable metal parts. What do you think?

  • “I like when politicians can put aside petty differences to accomplish something that’s already law.”

    Christina Alker Chairlift Operator
  • “Sure, ‘plastic guns’—what else did they ban? Phasers and electro-rifles?”

    Joe Brennan Systems Analyst
  • “Just more evidence that congress is in the pocket of Big 3D.”

    Robert Gambon Geologist

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