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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Hugo Chávez Endorses Obama

Calling Barack Obama a “good guy,” Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez said on state television Sunday that if he were American he would vote for the incumbent Democrat, and that he is sure if Obama were from Caracas, he would vote for Chávez. What do you think?

  • “That’s pretty compelling, but I still want to hear what Bashar al-Assad has to say before I fully commit to Obama.”

    Craig Singer-Watts Adhesive Sprayer
  • “Wait, who did Hugo Chávez say to vote for again? Let me write this down.”

    Audra Castro Weaver
  • “Has anyone told him about Ron Paul?”

    Ed Beams Reindeer Rancher

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