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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Hugo Chávez Endorses Obama

Calling Barack Obama a “good guy,” Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez said on state television Sunday that if he were American he would vote for the incumbent Democrat, and that he is sure if Obama were from Caracas, he would vote for Chávez. What do you think?

  • “That’s pretty compelling, but I still want to hear what Bashar al-Assad has to say before I fully commit to Obama.”

    Craig Singer-Watts Adhesive Sprayer
  • “Wait, who did Hugo Chávez say to vote for again? Let me write this down.”

    Audra Castro Weaver
  • “Has anyone told him about Ron Paul?”

    Ed Beams Reindeer Rancher
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