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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Hugo Chávez Wins Third Term

Socialist Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez, who has served for nearly 14 years, was elected to his third six-year term Sunday with 54 percent of the vote, beating out former provincial governor Henrique Capriles Radonski. What do you think?

  • “Oh, no, not another six years of Chávez bringing America to its knees!”

    Vicente Alvarez Systems Analyst
  • “The Venezuelan people are going to be upset when they learn he’s a socialist.”

    Redmond Philpott Bicycle Messenger
  • “I wouldn’t want to be on Capriles’ campaign staff right about now. Or Chávez’s. What I’m saying is that I hate Venezuela and wouldn’t want to have a job that would require me to live there.”

    Myra Greenaway Window Washer

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