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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Human Cloning

South Korean scientists successfully cloned a human embryo, a procedure some feel is unethical. What do you think?
  • "I applaud this scientific breakthrough, as long as they don't use it to clone more Hitlers. Maybe one Pol Pot, if they absolutely have to, but no Hitlers."

    Fred Watson Systems <br>Analyst
  • "No thanks. I prefer the kind of stem cells you produce from getting laid."

    Nicole Henderson Registered Nurse
  • "I just told my 3-year-old that babies come from cabbage patches. How the hell am I going to explain this?"

    Billy Cook Social Worker
  • "So a future in which I can clone myself, hunt myself down for sport, and then claim it wasn't murder because it was only me that I killed is just around the corner?"

    Justin Barnes Bartender
  • "Finally, someone invented a way to make more Asians."

    Harold Price Music Director
  • "This has limitless scientific possibilities, which means one thing: We must keep Christians from finding out about it."

    Rose Coleman Window Trimmer
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