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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Human Culture Much Older Than Thought

Scientists recently discovered 44,000-year-old jewelry made from ostrich eggs and poison-tipped arrows in a South African cave, a finding that suggests modern human culture emerged more than 20,000 years earlier than previously believed. What do you think?

  • “Well, I still say we don’t look a day over 18,000 years old.”

    Marjorie Speck Boarding House Manager
  • “To find that we’ve had 20,000 more years to develop culturally just means there’s that much more to feel ashamed about."

    Jack Slyter Probate Lawyer
  • “Something definitely got lost over time, because my own poison-tipped arrows can’t kill for shit.”

    William Sheedy Lumber Sorter

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