Human Evolution Accelerating

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Small Business

Human Evolution Accelerating

According to a study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, rapid population growth is accelerating the evolutionary process. What do you think?
  • "Did my wife put you up to this? I told her I want to stop at two."

    Alexander Schneider
    Soda Delivery Person
  • "I'm no genius, but clearly this means the more babies I father, the faster I'll be able to fly."

    Anna Holsenbeck
    Package Sorter
  • "Ah, this whole cock and bull theory will blow over in 10,000 years."

    Kevin Benaim
    Chaplain
Next Story