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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Human Rights And The U.S.

Recently ousted from the U.N. Human Rights Commission, the U.S. is no longer the world's human-rights leader, according to Amnesty International. What do you think?
  • "Doesn't Amnesty International realize we have covert black-op specialists who shoot people for saying that kind of stuff?"

    Allen Andrews Systems Analyst
  • "I guess our nation's leaders have given up trying to impress sexy, politically active college chicks."

    Ron Bass Cashier
  • "I'd like to applaud the forward-thinking nations of Angola, Sudan, and Syria for helping vote the U.S. off the U.N. commission. Truly, your countries are examples to us all."

    Duane McHenry Doctor
  • "I support whatever Amnesty International has to say. I have to: They sent me those free return-address labels."

    Paulette Wilson Librarian
  • "Fine, I'll let the guy out of my basement. Will that fix this up?"

    Stan Tocchet Landscaper
  • "America makes the best movies, the best TV shows, and the best snack foods. We can't do everything."

    Dana Milbank Real-Estate Agent

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