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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Human Rights And The U.S.

Recently ousted from the U.N. Human Rights Commission, the U.S. is no longer the world's human-rights leader, according to Amnesty International. What do you think?
  • "Doesn't Amnesty International realize we have covert black-op specialists who shoot people for saying that kind of stuff?"

    Allen Andrews Systems Analyst
  • "I guess our nation's leaders have given up trying to impress sexy, politically active college chicks."

    Ron Bass Cashier
  • "I'd like to applaud the forward-thinking nations of Angola, Sudan, and Syria for helping vote the U.S. off the U.N. commission. Truly, your countries are examples to us all."

    Duane McHenry Doctor
  • "I support whatever Amnesty International has to say. I have to: They sent me those free return-address labels."

    Paulette Wilson Librarian
  • "Fine, I'll let the guy out of my basement. Will that fix this up?"

    Stan Tocchet Landscaper
  • "America makes the best movies, the best TV shows, and the best snack foods. We can't do everything."

    Dana Milbank Real-Estate Agent

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