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Human Rights And The U.S.

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International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Human Rights And The U.S.

According to Amnesty International, the U.S. is no longer the world's human-rights leader. What do you think?
  • "Doesn't Amnesty International realize we have covert black-op specialists who shoot people for saying that kind of stuff?"

    Chris Winfield Plumber
  • "I guess our nation's leaders have given up trying to impress sexy, politically active college chicks."

    Dan Eichelberger Systems Analyst
  • "I'd like to applaud the forward-thinking nations of Angola, Sudan, and Syria for helping vote the U.S. off the U.N. commission. Truly, your countries are examples to us all."

    Eileen Tenace Buyer
  • "I support whatever Amnesty International has to say. I have to: They sent me those free return-address labels."

    Laurie Almon Architect
  • "Fine, I'll let the guy out of my basement. Will that fix this up?"

    Paul Bevacqua Cab Driver
  • "America makes the best movies, the best TV shows, and the best snack foods. We can't do everything."

    Raymond Fingers Civil Engineer

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