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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Humans Biologically Disposed To Help

In his new book Why We Cooperate, Dr. Michael Tomasello writes that 18-month-old infants will attempt to help when they see an unrelated adult whose hands are full trying to open a door or pick up a clothespin. What do you think?
  • "Whenever a toddler does something like that for me, I always respond with a polite but firm no-thank-you."

    Tom Newman Driller
  • "Sure, children don't develop a cold indifference to the plight of those around them until the age of 4 or so."

    Pat Gilbert Hand Finisher
  • "That's 100 percent true. Just the other day, I saw a group of young men rush to help a tired-looking fellow who wasn't done beating the shit out of a guy on the ground."

    Shannon Lewis Instrument-Lens Grinder
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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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