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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Humans Biologically Disposed To Help

In his new book Why We Cooperate, Dr. Michael Tomasello writes that 18-month-old infants will attempt to help when they see an unrelated adult whose hands are full trying to open a door or pick up a clothespin. What do you think?
  • "Whenever a toddler does something like that for me, I always respond with a polite but firm no-thank-you."

    Tom Newman Driller
  • "Sure, children don't develop a cold indifference to the plight of those around them until the age of 4 or so."

    Pat Gilbert Hand Finisher
  • "That's 100 percent true. Just the other day, I saw a group of young men rush to help a tired-looking fellow who wasn't done beating the shit out of a guy on the ground."

    Shannon Lewis Instrument-Lens Grinder
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