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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Humans Biologically Disposed To Help

In his new book Why We Cooperate, Dr. Michael Tomasello writes that 18-month-old infants will attempt to help when they see an unrelated adult whose hands are full trying to open a door or pick up a clothespin. What do you think?
  • "Whenever a toddler does something like that for me, I always respond with a polite but firm no-thank-you."

    Tom Newman Driller
  • "Sure, children don't develop a cold indifference to the plight of those around them until the age of 4 or so."

    Pat Gilbert Hand Finisher
  • "That's 100 percent true. Just the other day, I saw a group of young men rush to help a tired-looking fellow who wasn't done beating the shit out of a guy on the ground."

    Shannon Lewis Instrument-Lens Grinder

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