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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Humans Biologically Disposed To Help

In his new book Why We Cooperate, Dr. Michael Tomasello writes that 18-month-old infants will attempt to help when they see an unrelated adult whose hands are full trying to open a door or pick up a clothespin. What do you think?
  • "Whenever a toddler does something like that for me, I always respond with a polite but firm no-thank-you."

    Tom Newman Driller
  • "Sure, children don't develop a cold indifference to the plight of those around them until the age of 4 or so."

    Pat Gilbert Hand Finisher
  • "That's 100 percent true. Just the other day, I saw a group of young men rush to help a tired-looking fellow who wasn't done beating the shit out of a guy on the ground."

    Shannon Lewis Instrument-Lens Grinder

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