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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Humans Used Tools Earlier Than Thought

According to the current issue of Nature, scientists found two scored mammal bones demonstrating that humanoids used tools to cut meat 3.39 million years ago, nearly a million years earlier than previously thought. What do you think?

  • "That's pretty clever if the tool was a knife, but pretty dumb if they were trying to use a spoon to cut meat."

    Tom Ribot Pad Assembler
  • "Just today I was using scissors and felt them cut through a coupon with the ease of 3.39 million years' experience encoded into my genes."

    Sandy Quine Third Assistant Engineer
  • "You don't need to tell me how cool humans are, sir. I already know."

    Frank Richards Stamping-Press Operator
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