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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Humans Used Tools Earlier Than Thought

According to the current issue of Nature, scientists found two scored mammal bones demonstrating that humanoids used tools to cut meat 3.39 million years ago, nearly a million years earlier than previously thought. What do you think?

  • "That's pretty clever if the tool was a knife, but pretty dumb if they were trying to use a spoon to cut meat."

    Tom Ribot Pad Assembler
  • "Just today I was using scissors and felt them cut through a coupon with the ease of 3.39 million years' experience encoded into my genes."

    Sandy Quine Third Assistant Engineer
  • "You don't need to tell me how cool humans are, sir. I already know."

    Frank Richards Stamping-Press Operator
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