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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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'Hunger Games' Opens Today

The Hunger Games, the hotly anticipated film adaptation of the young adult novel in which teens have to fight to the death, opens today. What do you think?

  • "There's still another Twilight movie left. Where is everyone's sense of loyalty?"

    Brynn Waits Systems Analyst
  • "I’m tired of all these movies made from books. How about Hollywood starts catering to some of us nonreaders for a change?"

    Frank Lurie Needle Leader
  • "Whoah! How ’bout a spoiler alert, buddy? I didn't know it was Friday!"

    Paul Benigni Mica-Plate Layer

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