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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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'Hunger Games' Opens Today

The Hunger Games, the hotly anticipated film adaptation of the young adult novel in which teens have to fight to the death, opens today. What do you think?

  • "There's still another Twilight movie left. Where is everyone's sense of loyalty?"

    Brynn Waits Systems Analyst
  • "I’m tired of all these movies made from books. How about Hollywood starts catering to some of us nonreaders for a change?"

    Frank Lurie Needle Leader
  • "Whoah! How ’bout a spoiler alert, buddy? I didn't know it was Friday!"

    Paul Benigni Mica-Plate Layer
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