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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hurricane Could Strike RNC

Tropical Storm Isaac, which is currently gaining strength in the Atlantic Ocean, is expected to become a hurricane in the next several days and could strike Florida on Monday, when the Republican National Convention opens in Tampa. What do you think?

  • “They’ll be fine so long as the mayor sends the city’s sinners and sodomites up north to lure the storm’s wrath.”

    Allen Siguardsson Jockey
  • “I wouldn’t be surprised if this hurricane was just a plot concocted by the liberal mainstream meteorologists.”

    Jane Campion Leather Parts Matcher
  • “It’s going to be a big moment when Mitt stares up at the sky in the driving rain, screaming, ‘Nothing can stop me! Not even you, goddammit!’”

    Lynda Platkowski Systems Analyst

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