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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Hurricane Could Strike RNC

Tropical Storm Isaac, which is currently gaining strength in the Atlantic Ocean, is expected to become a hurricane in the next several days and could strike Florida on Monday, when the Republican National Convention opens in Tampa. What do you think?

  • “They’ll be fine so long as the mayor sends the city’s sinners and sodomites up north to lure the storm’s wrath.”

    Allen Siguardsson Jockey
  • “I wouldn’t be surprised if this hurricane was just a plot concocted by the liberal mainstream meteorologists.”

    Jane Campion Leather Parts Matcher
  • “It’s going to be a big moment when Mitt stares up at the sky in the driving rain, screaming, ‘Nothing can stop me! Not even you, goddammit!’”

    Lynda Platkowski Systems Analyst
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