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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Hurricane Sandy Slams East Coast

Bringing winds up to 85 miles per hour, a potentially devastating storm surge, and the threat of blizzard conditions at higher elevations, the historic and massive Hurricane Sandy will make landfall tonight along the densely populated mid-Atlantic coast. What do you think?

  • “That’s nothing. Once I drove at 86 miles per hour for like five seconds.”

    Rachel Spelman Short Order Cook
  • “Crap, is that why my wife bought 15 gallons of bottled water? She shouldn’t have left it out when she knew I was thirsty.”

    Diego Croft Systems Analyst
  • “My wind chimes!”

    Gil Telfer Ichthyologist

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