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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hurricanes With Female Names Kill More People

According to new research, hurricanes given female names tend to be more deadly than ones with male names because people subconsciously assume the former will be less destructive and take fewer safety precautions as a result. What do you think?

  • “Dammit. Aren’t any of my subconscious gender biases ever helpful?”

    Mark Ghastin Lender Relations Analyst
  • “Isn’t that just like a woman to sucker you with a pretty name and then flood your city with 7 billion gallons of seawater.”

    Daniel Platco Tasting Room Manager
  • “Eh, we love ’em anyway.”

    Aiden Lee Marble Setter

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