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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hussein Sentenced To Death

Saddam Hussein was found guilty and sentenced to death for crimes against humanity. What do you think?
  • "I sure hope this doesn't lead to violence in Iraq."

    Brigitte O'Shaunessey Systems Analyst
  • "We ignored and, to some degree, participated in Saddam's atrocities in the '80s, but now that he's been brought to justice, we can finally put it all behind us."

    Victor Pugh Valet
  • "The rule of law has won the day—except for in every other square inch of Iraq."

    Brandon Clay Health Inspector

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