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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Hussein Sentenced To Death

Saddam Hussein was found guilty and sentenced to death for crimes against humanity. What do you think?
  • "I sure hope this doesn't lead to violence in Iraq."

    Brigitte O'Shaunessey Systems Analyst
  • "We ignored and, to some degree, participated in Saddam's atrocities in the '80s, but now that he's been brought to justice, we can finally put it all behind us."

    Victor Pugh Valet
  • "The rule of law has won the day—except for in every other square inch of Iraq."

    Brandon Clay Health Inspector

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