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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Hypoallergenic Cats

An American biotechnology will soon sell a specially engineered breed of cats that will not trigger a reaction in allergy sufferers. What do you think?
  • "Great. Now I have to get my girlfriend pregnant if I want to have an excuse for why we can’t get a cat."

    Carl Walton Editor
  • "Unfortunately, this breed's chief source of nutrition is ragweed."

    Steve Licher Horse Trainer
  • "Can I still shave this type of cat in the summertime? Because that’s the only time when being a cat-owner gets interesting."

    Aileen Burton Cartographer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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