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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hypoallergenic Cats

An American biotechnology will soon sell a specially engineered breed of cats that will not trigger a reaction in allergy sufferers. What do you think?
  • "Great. Now I have to get my girlfriend pregnant if I want to have an excuse for why we can’t get a cat."

    Carl Walton Editor
  • "Unfortunately, this breed's chief source of nutrition is ragweed."

    Steve Licher Horse Trainer
  • "Can I still shave this type of cat in the summertime? Because that’s the only time when being a cat-owner gets interesting."

    Aileen Burton Cartographer

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