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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Ian McKellen Officiating Patrick Stewart’s Wedding

British actor Sir Ian McKellen, famed for his roles as Gandalf and Magneto, will officiate the wedding of fellow British actor and X-Men costar Sir Patrick Stewart, noted for his roles as Capt. Jean-Luc Picard and Professor X, when the latter marries his jazz singer fiancée Sunny Ozell. What do you think?

  • “This has the makings to be the most sonorous ceremony of all time.”

    Kendra Silvestri Midwife
  • “Shoot, if I knew he were an option I wouldn’t have had my stupid grandfather as my officiant.”

    Skip Rykes Almond Paste Mixer
  • “This is almost exactly like my X-Men fan fiction, except Harry Potter isn’t there.”

    Mo Hockridge Locomotive Inspector
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