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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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IBM Supercomputer Becomes Chef

At a meeting with investors this morning, IBM demonstrated its advanced artificial intelligence system Watson, which famously beat two champions at Jeopardy! in 2011, by serving a pastry dish that was created by the supercomputer as part of the company’s pitch to show off the machine’s broad range of capabilities. What do you think?

  • “There are some culinary tricks you just can’t program, like knowing the precise moment when to take the pizza rolls out of the oven.”

    Christine Botsford Unemployed
  • “How come my computer just lies around the house all day?”

    Russell Towler Land Surveyor
  • “Yeah, but they’re still years behind in developing a machine to compete with Ken Jennings’ boyish good looks.”

    Pieter Wexler Sawmill Laborer

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