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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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IBM Supercomputer Becomes Chef

At a meeting with investors this morning, IBM demonstrated its advanced artificial intelligence system Watson, which famously beat two champions at Jeopardy! in 2011, by serving a pastry dish that was created by the supercomputer as part of the company’s pitch to show off the machine’s broad range of capabilities. What do you think?

  • “There are some culinary tricks you just can’t program, like knowing the precise moment when to take the pizza rolls out of the oven.”

    Christine Botsford Unemployed
  • “How come my computer just lies around the house all day?”

    Russell Towler Land Surveyor
  • “Yeah, but they’re still years behind in developing a machine to compete with Ken Jennings’ boyish good looks.”

    Pieter Wexler Sawmill Laborer

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