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Icelandic Volcano Halts European Air Travel

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Icelandic Volcano Halts European Air Travel

A plume of ash from an erupting volcano in Iceland halted most air travel in Great Britain and Western Europe this weekend. What do you think?

  • "I bet Great Britain really regrets letting its navy go to shit now."

    Calvin Tucker Systems Analyst
  • "Well, I hope my stranded Scottish houseguests like season four of The Wire and Chinese food, because no damn volcano is going to get me to go to another museum."

    Cathey Weiss Tool Grinder
  • "I know there's nothing anyone can do, but try consoling my two little girls, who had been so looking forward to going to the Nordhäuser Jazzfrühling in Nordhausen, Germany."

    Herman Brownstein Cashier

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