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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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IDing Teens At The Movies

Attempting to shield teens from violent imagery, U.S. cinema owners agreed last week to require young people to show photo IDs when buying tickets for R-rated movies. What do you think?
  • "Man, when I hear adults talk about carding me for a stupid movie, it makes me want to get a bunch of guns and shoot everyone at my school."

    James Goltz Student
  • "What's wrong with a bit of the old ultra-violence? Sometimes a droog needs a good tolchock on the old gulliver, O my brothers."

    Richard Borgmann Bond Trader
  • "I'm just glad that when I see the South Park movie, the theater won't be filled with noisy juveniles annoying my husband and me."

    Dana Wynegar Florist
  • "Well, you have to admit that similar measures have put an end to underage drinking."

    Michelle Kusick Speech Pathologist
  • "Shit, man, this blows. I'm 43, but I don't have any ID."

    Fred Hisle Systems Analyst
  • "There's a statute of limitations on this, right? Because I got into Stripes in 1981 when I was 12."

    Isaac Brye Dishwasher

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