IDing Teens At The Movies

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Vol 35 Issue 24

Woman Pays Full Price For Carpet During One-Day-Only Non-Sale

ELKHART, IN—In the first-ever non-special-sale offer in Carpetworld history, Elkhart shopper Bernadette Blake purchased 120 square feet of royal-blue Dupont Stainmaster II plush carpeting at the regular price of $7.99 a square yard Monday. "I was driving past my local Carpetworld and noticed that, for some strange reason, there were no sale signs in the window," said Blake, who arrived at the store 10 hours after the Sizzling Spring Sellout Sale ended and 14 hours before the Everything's 30 Percent Off Carpet Clearance Blowout Bonanza was scheduled to begin. "That made me extremely curious, so I went in to check it out." Encouraged by the success of the Blake transaction, Carpetworld is planning a week-long "Regular Daze" non-sale event, featuring added costs for carpet pad and installation, as well as nothing of interest for the kids.

Area Man Dead Of Fries

MURFREESBORO, TN—Longtime fries sufferer Chuck Milner died Monday, succumbing to the fat- and cholesterol-laden side dish after a brave 53-year battle. "Sadly, Milner's family has a history of terminal French-fried potatoes, with his father, sister and several uncles dying of it," family friend Richard Winningham said. "Chuck first contracted fries during childhood, and it intensified into cheese fries during adulthood, becoming, in his final days, full-blown chili-cheese fries." Donations to the Milner family, which in recent years had exhausted its savings on ketchup and Lawry's seasoned salt, can be made care of Winningham.

Robin Williams Still Missing After Three-Day Free-Association Binge

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Local police continued their search for Robin Williams Monday, three days after the movie star improvised himself off the set of the upcoming Paramount film My Three Sons. "Robin was ad-libbing brilliantly when, all of a sudden, he lost control and began doing impressions of everything in sight," My Three Sons director Donald Petrie said. "By the time we summoned his handlers, he'd left the studio lot altogether." Security guards reported seeing Williams extemporize wildly off studio property, riffing eastward down Melrose Avenue before disappearing from sight. His current whereabouts are unknown.

Has Leo Gotten Himself Hitched-O?

Item! Ladies, brace yourselves for some serious heartache. The word is, Hollywood hunk du jour (that's "of the day" for all you non-French speakers) Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten married! Apparently, Leo recently spent some time in Taiwan shooting a big new movie, and while he was there, he started up a whirlwind romance with a lucky local. Love bloomed, and Leo and the lady soon became husband and wife! Now, I don't know the name of the bride, nor do I know the wedding date. I was scrambling around right up until press time to find this info for you, but certain people don't have enough common courtesy to return a phone call. But rest assured that the second I know more, I'll share it with you, my faithful readers.

Ro-bot Monster

As a youth, I always envisioned that my older years would be fraught with peace and grace, and that I would sit under the shade of a sycamore tree in my favorite white linen suit, sipping a mint julep and telling my grand-children of my wondrous exploits as the editor-in-chief of The Onion news-paper.

Should The U.S. Impose Limits On Incredibly Stupid Shit?

WASHINGTON, DC—With national stupid-shit consumption at an all-time high and federal shit projections indicating sharply rising levels of stupidity over the next decade and a half, a small but vocal group of lobbyists has revived an old debate on Capitol Hill, calling for strict, federally mandated limits on incredibly stupid shit.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

IDing Teens At The Movies

Attempting to shield teens from violent imagery, U.S. cinema owners agreed last week to require young people to show photo IDs when buying tickets for R-rated movies. What do you think?
  • "Man, when I hear adults talk about carding me for a stupid movie, it makes me want to get a bunch of guns and shoot everyone at my school."

    James Goltz
    Student
  • "What's wrong with a bit of the old ultra-violence? Sometimes a droog needs a good tolchock on the old gulliver, O my brothers."

    Richard Borgmann
    Bond Trader
  • "I'm just glad that when I see the South Park movie, the theater won't be filled with noisy juveniles annoying my husband and me."

    Dana Wynegar
    Florist
  • "Well, you have to admit that similar measures have put an end to underage drinking."

    Michelle Kusick
    Speech Pathologist
  • "Shit, man, this blows. I'm 43, but I don't have any ID."

    Fred Hisle
    Systems Analyst
  • "There's a statute of limitations on this, right? Because I got into Stripes in 1981 when I was 12."

    Isaac Brye
    Dishwasher
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