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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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IKEA Introduces Wireless Charging Furniture

Swedish furniture retail chain IKEA has announced it will begin selling furniture that charges cell phones wirelessly with charging pad stations that are integrated into desks, tables, lamps, and other furniture. What do you think?

  • “I don’t want to give my shelf that kind of power.”

    Dawn Horton Flower Arranger
  • “Finally, instead of struggling to find an outlet to plug my phone into I can struggle to find an outlet to plug my couch into.”

    Matt Santangelo Talent Scouter
  • “No thanks. I can always swing by an IKEA and charge my phone off some floor models.”

    Bob Brock Pamphlet Disposer
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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