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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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IKEA Placing Cardboard Cutouts Of Dogs In Furniture Showrooms To Encourage Adoption

Select IKEA stores are strategically placing life-sized cardboard cutouts of dogs in furniture showrooms to help customers visualize what their homes would look like with a dog, part of a program aimed at encouraging pet adoption. What do you think?

  • “It’s brilliant—ideas like this could really change what couples argue about inside the store.”

    Meryl Kerr Candy Bowl Restocker
  • “Sure, it looks cute in the showroom, but when they deliver the dog it’s in 100 different pieces.”

    Alex Davison Keyboard Cleaner
  • “Can’t I go anywhere anymore without being subtly encouraged to do something altruistic?”

    Brandon Mehling Meeting Scheduler

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