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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Illegal Immigrants Apply To Stay In U.S.

Under an Obama administration policy that went into effect yesterday, an estimated 1.7 million immigrants 30 or younger who were brought to the United States illegally as children can now apply to remain in the country. What do you think?

  • “I don’t care what kind of official government paperwork they have, they’re still illegal in my book.”

    Judson Hallinan Terrazzo Finisher
  • “That’s just a disgrace to all their forebears who had the decency and fortitude to live in perpetual fear of arbitrary deportation.”

    Tony Burgard Yield-Loss Inspector
  • “Welcome to what used to be America!”

    Terri D’Aquino Tire-Cord Weaver

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