Illegal Immigrants Apply To Stay In U.S.

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Illegal Immigrants Apply To Stay In U.S.

Under an Obama administration policy that went into effect yesterday, an estimated 1.7 million immigrants 30 or younger who were brought to the United States illegally as children can now apply to remain in the country. What do you think?

  • “I don’t care what kind of official government paperwork they have, they’re still illegal in my book.”

    Judson Hallinan
    Terrazzo Finisher
  • “That’s just a disgrace to all their forebears who had the decency and fortitude to live in perpetual fear of arbitrary deportation.”

    Tony Burgard
    Yield-Loss Inspector
  • “Welcome to what used to be America!”

    Terri D’Aquino
    Tire-Cord Weaver