adBlockCheck

Politics

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
End Of Section
  • More News

Illinois Protesters Demand Higher Taxes

An estimated 15,000 people turned up at the Illinois state Capitol and called for higher taxes to prevent significant budget cuts. What do you think?

  • "Damn right we want higher taxes! And we also want lower speed limits and condom dispensers in every elementary school in the land!"

    Diane Averre Systems Analyst
  • "If you all had elected me like I wanted, I would have already raised your taxes. Remember? I said that? When I was running? That I was going to raise your taxes? And then I lost terribly?"

    Paul Niles Politician
  • "It's Illinois; can't they just find some dead taxpayers to cover the difference?"

    Will Feiger Watch-Crystal Edge Grinder

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close