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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Illinois Protesters Demand Higher Taxes

An estimated 15,000 people turned up at the Illinois state Capitol and called for higher taxes to prevent significant budget cuts. What do you think?

  • "Damn right we want higher taxes! And we also want lower speed limits and condom dispensers in every elementary school in the land!"

    Diane Averre Systems Analyst
  • "If you all had elected me like I wanted, I would have already raised your taxes. Remember? I said that? When I was running? That I was going to raise your taxes? And then I lost terribly?"

    Paul Niles Politician
  • "It's Illinois; can't they just find some dead taxpayers to cover the difference?"

    Will Feiger Watch-Crystal Edge Grinder

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