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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Immigration At Highest In 80 Years

According to a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, immigrants now account for one in eight U.S. residents. What do you think?
  • "Fortunately, the fact that one in four people is a jingoistic nut job helps even things out."

    Walter Merril Architect
  • "Ein in acht? Das ist unglaublich!"

    Fritz Blumenthal Volunteer Coordinator
  • "Does that mean that someone in my family is an immigrant? I wonder if it’s John."

    Barb Koepke Cashier

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