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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Impeach Clinton?

With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What do you think?
  • "Of course he should be removed from office. For Christ's sake, he had that thing in her mouth."

    Patrick Davis Travel Agent
  • "The president is faced with a great crisis, and he should do the right thing–marry Monica."

    Emily Tidrow Librarian
  • "Help me out here. What exactly did he do again? Because I'm really going to need a lot of extremely precise details if I'm to make an informed decision."

    Wayne Bonds Systems Analyst
  • "Why are we wasting time and money on this ridiculous issue when flag-burning is still legal in this country?"

    Samantha Kravec Flight Attendant
  • "Clinton couldn't have done anything worse if he had traded weapons to a hostile foreign power, secretly diverted taxpayer funds to Central American rebels or knowingly allowed a U.S. naval base to be attacked by Japan."

    Optometrist Nathan Capilla
  • "The adultery doesn't bother me. It's Clinton's love of frog figurines that weirds me out."

    Jason Durham Custodian

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