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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Impeach Clinton?

With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What do you think?
  • "Of course he should be removed from office. For Christ's sake, he had that thing in her mouth."

    Patrick Davis Travel Agent
  • "The president is faced with a great crisis, and he should do the right thing–marry Monica."

    Emily Tidrow Librarian
  • "Help me out here. What exactly did he do again? Because I'm really going to need a lot of extremely precise details if I'm to make an informed decision."

    Wayne Bonds Systems Analyst
  • "Why are we wasting time and money on this ridiculous issue when flag-burning is still legal in this country?"

    Samantha Kravec Flight Attendant
  • "Clinton couldn't have done anything worse if he had traded weapons to a hostile foreign power, secretly diverted taxpayer funds to Central American rebels or knowingly allowed a U.S. naval base to be attacked by Japan."

    Optometrist Nathan Capilla
  • "The adultery doesn't bother me. It's Clinton's love of frog figurines that weirds me out."

    Jason Durham Custodian

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