Imus Suspended For 2 Weeks

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March Madness

Mayweather-Pacquiao Fight Derided As Boring

Saturday’s welterweight title fight between boxers Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao, which had been hyped as the “Fight of the Century,” was widely criticized as boring and a waste of time by many viewers who paid $100 to watch it on TV. What do you think?

Who Is Ben Carson?

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Who Is Carly Fiorina?

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

Study: Funny Men Better In Bed

According to a new study, funny men are more likely to give women orgasms and have partners who want to have sex more often. What do you think?

Top Prom Trends For 2015

Prom season is a time for high school students to plan elaborate proposals, shop for fashionable formalwear, and arrange blowout events in the effort to make prom a night to remember. Here are this year’s most popular prom trends

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday.

Report: U.S. Zoos Letting Elephants Die Out

According to a report from the Associated Press, zoos across the country are opting to let their elephant populations die off instead of replacing them, in part because it’s hard to provide enough space and in part because new national guidelines ma...

Report: Apple Watch Doesn’t Work Well On Tattooed Wrists

According to emerging reports from users, the new Apple Watch doesn’t work as well when worn on tattooed wrists because the ink causes the sensors to repeatedly ask for security codes, misread heart rates, interfere with apps, and make other errors.

Pros And Cons Of The Greek System

College communities across the nation have become more divided over the merits of Greek life on campus, with advocates saying that it promotes friendship and charity, and critics arguing that it can lead to hazing, underage drinking, and other dangerou...

Man Boldly Declares This Must-Win Game

RIVERSIDE, CA—In an audacious and daring proclamation before Game 5 of the first-round playoff series between the Spurs and Clippers, local 31-year-old Doug Corrigan boldly declared Tuesday that it is a must-win game for Los Angeles, sources confirm...

Professor Fails Entire Class For Bad Behavior

Saying that he reached his breaking point after students repeatedly threatened him, swore, and cheated on their assignments, a professor at Texas A&M Galveston reportedly failed an entire class by reprimanding them in a long letter, then quit his job.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

College Encourages Lively Exchange Of Idea

BOSTON—Saying that such a dialogue was essential to the college’s academic mission, Trescott University president Kevin Abrams confirmed Monday that the school encourages a lively exchange of one idea.

Amazon Testing Car Trunk Delivery

Amazon is testing a new delivery service in Munich, Germany that would allow customers to order products from its website and have them delivered to the trunk of their Audi car if they are at work or otherwise unavailable to accept the package.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Tips For Going Green

As climate change, pollution, and population growth continue to damage the environment, it’s more important than ever for consumers to make eco-friendly decisions and practice green habits.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

What You've Been Missing, Ep. 3

The Internet has an abundance of amazing things trapped inside. So much, in fact, that you've probably missed a tidbit or two of amazingness.

What You've Been Missing, Ep. 3

The Internet has an abundance of amazing things trapped inside. So much, in fact, that you've probably missed a tidbit or two of amazingness.

What You've Been Missing, Ep. 2

The Internet has an abundance of amazing things trapped inside. So much, in fact, that you've probably missed a tidbit or two of amazingness.

What You've Been Missing, Ep. 2

The Internet has an abundance of amazing things trapped inside. So much, in fact, that you've probably missed a tidbit or two of amazingness.

YouTube Turns 10

On April 23, 2005, three former PayPal employees started a video-sharing site called YouTube, which has since grown into an influential media platform with over 1 billion users.

What You've Been Missing, Ep. 1

The Internet has an abundance of amazing things trapped inside. So much, in fact, that you've probably missed a tidbit or two of amazingness.

What You've Been Missing, Ep. 1

The Internet has an abundance of amazing things trapped inside. So much, in fact, that you've probably missed a tidbit or two of amazingness.

Entire Week Of Sports Passes Without One Person Making Play

BRISTOL, CT—Noting that they had continued watching various games with the hope that something noteworthy would eventually happen, millions of sports fans expressed their disappointment Friday after an entire week passed without a single athlete mak...

Study: Vaccines Don’t Cause Autism Even In High-Risk Kids

Confirming previous studies that have shown there is no link between vaccines and autism, a new study has found that even kids at a higher risk of developing autism, such as those with autism in the family, were no more likely to develop autism after bein...

Pros And Cons Of Going To Grad School

While graduate school is often touted as a way to specialize in a given field and increase earning power, opponents argue it can put students into debt without helping them get better jobs.
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Imus Suspended For 2 Weeks

After radio host Don Imus referred to the Rutgers University women's basketball team as "nappy-headed hos" on his radio show, CBS suspended him for two weeks. What do you think?
  • "Cut Imus some slack. The man is under immense pressure to be an asshole every single morning."

    Lisa Wanless
    Systems Analyst
  • "How will Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh, Lars Larson, Michael Medved, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Hugh Hewitt, Mark Levin, Mike Gallagher, and Neal Boortz possibly fill the blowhard-talk-show void?"

    Ron Coulton
    Pottery Instructor
  • "That's a shame. I guess I'll just listen to smooth jazz for the next two weeks."

    Jerry Mavrides
    Hairdresser
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