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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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India And The Bomb

India conducted five underground nuclear tests last week and has vowed to conduct more, prompting strong condemnation and economic sanctions from the U.S. What do you think?
  • "Indians testing nuclear bombs? They can't even get my tandoori right."

    Chris Knight Chiropractor
  • "God, the Indians are so much more in touch with their spiritual side, aren't they?"

    Lori Backman Mathematician
  • "I guess this finally explains where all those glowing, six-armed blue guys came from."

    Lawrence Santana Flight Attendant
  • "India should heed America's call to stop nuclear testing. After all, we obliged when India asked us to stop in the '40s, '50s, '60s, '70s and '80s."

    Systems Analyst Patricia Wilson
  • "I'm just glad American Indians don't have the bomb. Talk about heap big payback for Paleface."

    Sales Representative Josh Carter
  • "I just hope the Indians love their children, too."

    Joseph Teufel Landscaper

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