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India And The Bomb

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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India And The Bomb

India conducted five underground nuclear tests last week and has vowed to conduct more, prompting strong condemnation and economic sanctions from the U.S. What do you think?
  • "Indians testing nuclear bombs? They can't even get my tandoori right."

    Chris Knight Chiropractor
  • "God, the Indians are so much more in touch with their spiritual side, aren't they?"

    Lori Backman Mathematician
  • "I guess this finally explains where all those glowing, six-armed blue guys came from."

    Lawrence Santana Flight Attendant
  • "India should heed America's call to stop nuclear testing. After all, we obliged when India asked us to stop in the '40s, '50s, '60s, '70s and '80s."

    Systems Analyst Patricia Wilson
  • "I'm just glad American Indians don't have the bomb. Talk about heap big payback for Paleface."

    Sales Representative Josh Carter
  • "I just hope the Indians love their children, too."

    Joseph Teufel Landscaper

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