adBlockCheck

International

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
End Of Section
  • More News

India Closing In On China

With a population of one billion and a birth rate nearly double that of China, India is on pace to become the world's most populous nation within the next few years. What do you think about this rapidly approaching demographic milestone?
  • "I see they're having about as much luck with the ejaculation-denying tantric sex as I am."

    Richard Brunsell Postal Worker
  • "As president of Schwinn, I couldn't be happier."

    Ray Muncie Schwinn President
  • "They seem to be a peaceful people, but we should probably send over a few guys in pith helmets and muttonchops just to keep an eye on things."

    Bill Gehry Systems Analyst
  • "Excuse me, but the proper term is 'Native Americans.'"

    Tina Tisch Graduate Student
  • "The Indians could fast become the dominant superpower, what with the awesome might of the world's longest fingernails at their disposal."

    Omar Thakker Clerk
  • "At last, India will finally have enough people to watch all those movies they put out every year."

    Donna Majoro Physical Therapist

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close