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India Closing In On China

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National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
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India Closing In On China

With a population of one billion and a birth rate nearly double that of China, India is on pace to become the world's most populous nation within the next few years. What do you think about this rapidly approaching demographic milestone?
  • "I see they're having about as much luck with the ejaculation-denying tantric sex as I am."

    Richard Brunsell Postal Worker
  • "As president of Schwinn, I couldn't be happier."

    Ray Muncie Schwinn President
  • "They seem to be a peaceful people, but we should probably send over a few guys in pith helmets and muttonchops just to keep an eye on things."

    Bill Gehry Systems Analyst
  • "Excuse me, but the proper term is 'Native Americans.'"

    Tina Tisch Graduate Student
  • "The Indians could fast become the dominant superpower, what with the awesome might of the world's longest fingernails at their disposal."

    Omar Thakker Clerk
  • "At last, India will finally have enough people to watch all those movies they put out every year."

    Donna Majoro Physical Therapist

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