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India Closing In On China

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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India Closing In On China

With a population of one billion and a birth rate nearly double that of China, India is on pace to become the world's most populous nation within the next few years. What do you think about this rapidly approaching demographic milestone?
  • "I see they're having about as much luck with the ejaculation-denying tantric sex as I am."

    Richard Brunsell Postal Worker
  • "As president of Schwinn, I couldn't be happier."

    Ray Muncie Schwinn President
  • "They seem to be a peaceful people, but we should probably send over a few guys in pith helmets and muttonchops just to keep an eye on things."

    Bill Gehry Systems Analyst
  • "Excuse me, but the proper term is 'Native Americans.'"

    Tina Tisch Graduate Student
  • "The Indians could fast become the dominant superpower, what with the awesome might of the world's longest fingernails at their disposal."

    Omar Thakker Clerk
  • "At last, India will finally have enough people to watch all those movies they put out every year."

    Donna Majoro Physical Therapist

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