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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Indian-American Miss America Attacked On Twitter

Nina Davuluri, an Indian-American from New York, was crowned Miss America last night, becoming the pageant’s first-ever winner of Asian descent and prompting a flood of racist tweets, including many that erroneously called her a Muslim. What do you think?

  • “This will all get cleared up at her first public address.”

    Shauna Stack Systems Analyst
  • “The Miss America pageant is not about race. It’s about who the prettiest lady is.”

    Oliver Gatti Auto Damage Appraiser
  • “When are Americans going to finally learn how to properly spot Muslims?”

    Kurt Zwerling Ombudsman

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