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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Inscription On MLK Memorial To Be Removed

The government will remove the paraphrased quotation “I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness” from Washington’s Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial after many complained the out-of-context words made the civil rights leader sound arrogant. What do you think?

  • “This would never have happened to a statue of a white guy.”

    Marybeth McMurry Rattan Worker
  • “If King didn’t want his words to be taken out of context, he never should have said them in the first place.”

    Ryan Charbonneau Waterproofer
  • “If nobody wants to take credit for the old quote, you can feel free to attribute it to me.”

    Clayton Wynands Crab Steamer

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