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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Inscription On MLK Memorial To Be Removed

The government will remove the paraphrased quotation “I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness” from Washington’s Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial after many complained the out-of-context words made the civil rights leader sound arrogant. What do you think?

  • “This would never have happened to a statue of a white guy.”

    Marybeth McMurry Rattan Worker
  • “If King didn’t want his words to be taken out of context, he never should have said them in the first place.”

    Ryan Charbonneau Waterproofer
  • “If nobody wants to take credit for the old quote, you can feel free to attribute it to me.”

    Clayton Wynands Crab Steamer

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