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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Inscription On MLK Memorial To Be Removed

The government will remove the paraphrased quotation “I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness” from Washington’s Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial after many complained the out-of-context words made the civil rights leader sound arrogant. What do you think?

  • “This would never have happened to a statue of a white guy.”

    Marybeth McMurry Rattan Worker
  • “If King didn’t want his words to be taken out of context, he never should have said them in the first place.”

    Ryan Charbonneau Waterproofer
  • “If nobody wants to take credit for the old quote, you can feel free to attribute it to me.”

    Clayton Wynands Crab Steamer
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