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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Insurance Costs Outstrip Wage Increases

The cost of health insurance premiums in the United States rose 9 percent this year, nearly three times the rate of increase seen in 2010. What do you think?

  • "No thanks. Life's not that cool."

    Rick Dunn Planisher
  • "I’m pretty sure the finger can be pointed directly at my neighbor, who gets colonoscopies like they’re going out of style."

    Julian Smith Work-Ticket Distributor
  • "Yesterday that would have worried me, but this morning I found a similar lump on the opposite breast, so I'm cool."

    Sarah Harrison Guide Winder

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