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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Intel Ships Flawed Chip

On Monday, computer-chip manufacturer Intel announced that its new Cougar Point chip had a flaw, and that rectifying the situation would cost the company $1 billion. What do you think?

  • "Are they positive the chips are defective? Because my company thought the same thing, but it turned out the problem was a worm created by Mossad and the NSA."

    Azita Oveisi Engineer
  • "I only wish the chip in my brain had a flaw. It's still working perfectly. That's the government for you."

    Ken Devoto Unemployed
  • "First they accidentally hire Will.i.am and now this. Intel can't catch a break."

    Louis Gerard Systems Analyst

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