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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Internal Revenue Disservice

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you think?
  • "Of course the IRS harasses poor people. Have you seen any? They're absolutely disgusting."

    Teri Altshuler Realtor
  • "You're telling me the IRS targets the poor. Almost $1,200 came out of my paycheck from last week. That's, what, 15 percent? Shit."

    Tom Pulsipher Stockbroker
  • "By saving my receipt, I was able to write off the wheelchair I bought after IRS agents came and shattered my kneecaps with an aluminum bat. That's smart money management."

    Mel Utrillo Math Teacher
  • "People should make sure to check the 'no' box on the 1040 form where it asks, 'Would you like to have your home raided in the middle of the night by armed federal agents?'"

    Harriet Crisp Cashier
  • "As a gun-toting survivalist living in backwoods Idaho, I naturally oppose everything the IRS stands for. Would you like to try some of my home-cured bear jerky?"

    Doug Landsman Carpenter
  • "If you don't like the way this country's unfair tax structure favors those who make over $70,000 a year, why don't you just move to Canada, where the taxes are slightly higher but the average citizen is far better off? Hey, wait a second."

    Fred Wallach Systems Analyst

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