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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Internal Revenue Disservice

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you think?
  • "Of course the IRS harasses poor people. Have you seen any? They're absolutely disgusting."

    Teri Altshuler Realtor
  • "You're telling me the IRS targets the poor. Almost $1,200 came out of my paycheck from last week. That's, what, 15 percent? Shit."

    Tom Pulsipher Stockbroker
  • "By saving my receipt, I was able to write off the wheelchair I bought after IRS agents came and shattered my kneecaps with an aluminum bat. That's smart money management."

    Mel Utrillo Math Teacher
  • "People should make sure to check the 'no' box on the 1040 form where it asks, 'Would you like to have your home raided in the middle of the night by armed federal agents?'"

    Harriet Crisp Cashier
  • "As a gun-toting survivalist living in backwoods Idaho, I naturally oppose everything the IRS stands for. Would you like to try some of my home-cured bear jerky?"

    Doug Landsman Carpenter
  • "If you don't like the way this country's unfair tax structure favors those who make over $70,000 a year, why don't you just move to Canada, where the taxes are slightly higher but the average citizen is far better off? Hey, wait a second."

    Fred Wallach Systems Analyst

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