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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Internal Revenue Disservice

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you think?
  • "Of course the IRS harasses poor people. Have you seen any? They're absolutely disgusting."

    Teri Altshuler Realtor
  • "You're telling me the IRS targets the poor. Almost $1,200 came out of my paycheck from last week. That's, what, 15 percent? Shit."

    Tom Pulsipher Stockbroker
  • "By saving my receipt, I was able to write off the wheelchair I bought after IRS agents came and shattered my kneecaps with an aluminum bat. That's smart money management."

    Mel Utrillo Math Teacher
  • "People should make sure to check the 'no' box on the 1040 form where it asks, 'Would you like to have your home raided in the middle of the night by armed federal agents?'"

    Harriet Crisp Cashier
  • "As a gun-toting survivalist living in backwoods Idaho, I naturally oppose everything the IRS stands for. Would you like to try some of my home-cured bear jerky?"

    Doug Landsman Carpenter
  • "If you don't like the way this country's unfair tax structure favors those who make over $70,000 a year, why don't you just move to Canada, where the taxes are slightly higher but the average citizen is far better off? Hey, wait a second."

    Fred Wallach Systems Analyst

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