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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

A multinational police team plans to patrol Internet chatrooms as part of a crackdown on child pornography and pedophilia. What do you think?
  • "Police will be patrolling the Internet? They'll need to get the nation's top men on it— Readyman, Chillycheez, SatanicMechanic, and maybe even BeeBop77."

    Thomas Barnes Systems <br>Analyst
  • "It's about time. As a market researcher, I'm sick of perverts in chatrooms propositioning me whenever I pretend to be an 11-year-old girl."

    Sonya Treat Market Researcher
  • "This is great news. I find child pornography sickening, but I am aroused by images of Belgians being led away in handcuffs."

    Douglas Emery Laborer
  • "An international anti-child-porn force would dramatically increase the possibilty of authorities rappelling in through skylights, which is good."

    Daphne Sports Sales Representative
  • "Shouldn't we be fighting terrorism, and not doing anything about anything else?"

    Jason Diaz Painter
  • "That's going to be yet another weird government office to accidently wander into."

    Eric Rhodes Manager

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