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Invading Iraq

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Invading Iraq

Determined to oust Saddam Hussein, President Bush has been attempting to rally support for an invasion of Iraq. What do you think?
  • "The time to invade Iraq is now. If we wait, cooler heads might prevail."

    Rich Dobbs Truck Driver
  • "Ousting Saddam would at long last pave the way for a corrupt, unstable, pseudo-democratic puppet government with friendly ties to Washington."

    Douglas Glass Dentist
  • "Even Brent Scowcroft is against this, and that guy spends his weekends pipebombing puppy kennels."

    Chuck Barker Landscaper
  • "Well, I'm against it, but I'm probably in the minority, along with many Republicans, all non-Republicans, and the entire rest of the world."

    Marty Ross Systems <br>Analyst
  • "Isn't it funny how people say they'll never grow up to be their parents, then one day they look in the mirror and they're moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf region?"

    Rachel Weitz Student
  • "After all Bush has done for us, can't we let him have just this one thing?"

    Maria Davillo Painter

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