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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Iowa Boobs-For-Grades Scandal

A University of Iowa professor is accused of fondling students in exchange for higher grades. What do you think?
  • "Hopefully, in light of this incident, the taboo subject of sexual harassment will finally be discussed widely on college campuses."

    Ruth Steinem Systems Analyst
  • "I knew my busty, suggestible daughter wasn't that smart."

    Sam Pollard Spot Welder
  • "A professor fondles a student! That's perfect! I've had the worst writer’s block for my upcoming porno!"

    Ray Pettibon Screenwriter

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