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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Iowa Issuing Gun Permits To The Blind

Officials in Iowa have been granting gun permits to visually impaired and fully blind residents, allowing these individuals to purchase firearms and carry them in public. What do you think?

  • “Okay, but they should promise to shoot only at super-scary sounds.”

    Saul Mendillo School Bus Monitor
  • “Blind people are just as capable of tucking a gun in their waistband and lifting their shirt to expose the weapon meaningfully.”

    Jan Burmester Forest Ecologist
  • “It’s a tragedy that they’ll never know how cool they look holding a gun.”

    Sebastian Alvarez Vine Pruner

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