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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Iowa Issuing Gun Permits To The Blind

Officials in Iowa have been granting gun permits to visually impaired and fully blind residents, allowing these individuals to purchase firearms and carry them in public. What do you think?

  • “Okay, but they should promise to shoot only at super-scary sounds.”

    Saul Mendillo School Bus Monitor
  • “Blind people are just as capable of tucking a gun in their waistband and lifting their shirt to expose the weapon meaningfully.”

    Jan Burmester Forest Ecologist
  • “It’s a tragedy that they’ll never know how cool they look holding a gun.”

    Sebastian Alvarez Vine Pruner

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