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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Iowa Straw Poll Saturday

The first major indicator of Republican presidential candidates’ viability, the Iowa Straw Poll, takes place this Saturday. What do you think?

  • "Hands down my favorite quadrennial GOP formality in the entire Midwest."

    Rose Lewis Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, but the state is only one-third of the way through its candidate pancake-breakfast cycle, so I wouldn't read too much into it."

    Mayer Brown Mortgage Clerk
  • "As a Santorum 2012 street team member, I can't tell you how excited I am that the merciful end is finally near."

    Stephen Hyde Base Filler

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