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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Iowa Straw Poll Saturday

The first major indicator of Republican presidential candidates’ viability, the Iowa Straw Poll, takes place this Saturday. What do you think?

  • "Hands down my favorite quadrennial GOP formality in the entire Midwest."

    Rose Lewis Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, but the state is only one-third of the way through its candidate pancake-breakfast cycle, so I wouldn't read too much into it."

    Mayer Brown Mortgage Clerk
  • "As a Santorum 2012 street team member, I can't tell you how excited I am that the merciful end is finally near."

    Stephen Hyde Base Filler

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