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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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iPhone 6 Fans Paying Line Holders To Wait Outside Stores

Apple fans desperate to buy the iPhone 6 on the first day of its release later this month are paying line holders hundreds of dollars to wait outside Apple stores and hold their spots. What do you think?

  • “I care less about the convenience and more about watching a dehydrated, tired man give me the iPhone he just debased himself for.”

    Barry Geist Petroleum Engineer
  • “Wouldn’t it be easier if everyone pooled their money together to hire one really trustworthy guy?”

    Nick Russell Systems Analyst
  • “It may be expensive, but it’s worth it to be one of the first several million people to own an iPhone 6.”

    Melissa Haywater Can Recycler
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