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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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IRA Disarmament

The Irish Republican Army, working with an independent international commission, claims to have destroyed all its weapons stockpiles. What do you think?
  • "I knew that Guns For Guinness trade-in program would work where so many other attempts had failed."

    Harvey Ulrich Policeman
  • "Finally, the Protestants and Catholics have found a common ground to bring them together. Now, if only they could team up to do something about all those filthy stinking Irishmen."

    May Voyle Systems Analyst
  • "Well, it's just as well. Political terrorism isn't as sexy as it was in the '80s."

    John O'Donohu CPA
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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