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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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IRA Disarmament

The Irish Republican Army, working with an independent international commission, claims to have destroyed all its weapons stockpiles. What do you think?
  • "I knew that Guns For Guinness trade-in program would work where so many other attempts had failed."

    Harvey Ulrich Policeman
  • "Finally, the Protestants and Catholics have found a common ground to bring them together. Now, if only they could team up to do something about all those filthy stinking Irishmen."

    May Voyle Systems Analyst
  • "Well, it's just as well. Political terrorism isn't as sexy as it was in the '80s."

    John O'Donohu CPA

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