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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Iran Claims It Launched Monkey Into Space

Iranian officials announced yesterday they had launched a monkey into space and safely returned the animal to earth, asserting that the nation is now five to eight years away from putting a human in orbit. What do you think?

  • “I’m concerned that this is only a prelude to Iran launching monkeys at Israel.”

    Saundra Longo Moccasin Sewer
  • “Man, at this rate, it won’t be long before Iran builds a computer small enough to fit in a single room.”

    Dennis Brody Escalator Constructor
  • “Oh, dear! And what are our American monkeys doing? Probably just lying around eating bananas all day. And maybe wearing a little diaper—and they should put sunglasses on it, too. So cute!”

    Joseph Walcoff Crabber
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