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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Iran Claims It Launched Monkey Into Space

Iranian officials announced yesterday they had launched a monkey into space and safely returned the animal to earth, asserting that the nation is now five to eight years away from putting a human in orbit. What do you think?

  • “I’m concerned that this is only a prelude to Iran launching monkeys at Israel.”

    Saundra Longo Moccasin Sewer
  • “Man, at this rate, it won’t be long before Iran builds a computer small enough to fit in a single room.”

    Dennis Brody Escalator Constructor
  • “Oh, dear! And what are our American monkeys doing? Probably just lying around eating bananas all day. And maybe wearing a little diaper—and they should put sunglasses on it, too. So cute!”

    Joseph Walcoff Crabber

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