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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Iran Suspends Nuclear Program

Possibly setting the stage for a more comprehensive deal, Secretary of State John Kerry helped broker an agreement with Iranian leaders to halt the enrichment of uranium to weapons-grade levels for the next six months in return for relief from economic sanctions. What do you think?

  • “If it’s anything like the time I halted my uranium enrichment, this is going to be a restless six months for Iran.”

    Alan Kiernan County Sheriff
  • “We only achieved this kind of progress because we stopped soft-pedaling and really started pussyfooting.”

    Tanya Battles Professional Cheerleader
  • “I’m disgusted that Iran would negotiate with a guy who killed his own soldiers on that swift boat.”

    Dwayne Chiu Systems Analyst

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