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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Iran, U.S. Hold Bilateral Talks

The United States and Iran held their first formal talks in 27 years in order to discuss the security of Iraq. What do you think?
  • "Sky-high gas prices, meeting with Iran, Jimmy Carter in the news, it feels great to be 9 years old again."

    Meg Stainer Road Construction Worker
  • "If we can neutralize the Iranian influence in the region, our only obstacle to peace will be 99 other influences. Progress!"

    Nate Williams Shoe Cobbler
  • "Hopefully this will result in some sort of pan-continental mega-theocracy where the religious zealotry of our respective leaders can dictate every aspect of our lives."

    Patton Konopka Systems Analyst

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