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Iran, U.S. Hold Bilateral Talks

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Iran, U.S. Hold Bilateral Talks

The United States and Iran held their first formal talks in 27 years in order to discuss the security of Iraq. What do you think?
  • "Sky-high gas prices, meeting with Iran, Jimmy Carter in the news, it feels great to be 9 years old again."

    Meg Stainer Road Construction Worker
  • "If we can neutralize the Iranian influence in the region, our only obstacle to peace will be 99 other influences. Progress!"

    Nate Williams Shoe Cobbler
  • "Hopefully this will result in some sort of pan-continental mega-theocracy where the religious zealotry of our respective leaders can dictate every aspect of our lives."

    Patton Konopka Systems Analyst

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